"I Think Therefore I Am"

The first two years of junior high school were not very pleasant for me. Perhaps I was an odd child, always questioning the meaning of everything. This unanswered question filled my pure and innocent years with anxiety and confusion, leaving me uncertain about the purpose of my existence.

I struggled to fall asleep, often tossing and turning throughout the night, leading to health issues. Since my parents didn't pressure me about my grades, I couldn't find a reason to study and indulged myself.

Fortunately, in the third year, I met Yi, who pulled me out of the quagmire and warmed my wandering and lonely heart with love and companionship.

She resembled a caring older sister, making me want to confide in her. She patiently listened, which is why I liked her more than any other teacher.

At the beginning of the semester, I became a class representative, helping her with tasks like setting up computers and collecting assignments. These seemingly trivial tasks brought me an unprecedented sense of achievement.

To earn her approval, I did some foolish things. Some tasks that could be completed in forty minutes took me an additional four or five hours to achieve perfection.

Sometimes, I would chase after a few boys in the class to collect assignments. During morning reading, the boys would blurt out, "I'm done, sis. I'll turn it in right away," as soon as they saw me.

It was during my acquaintance with Yi that the idea of becoming a teacher myself took root. I hoped to spread light like her, redeem lost souls with kindness and gentleness, and also provide the umbrella I once needed.

However, my parents didn't support this idea. Both of them had backgrounds in media studies and believed I should follow in their footsteps. This led to countless tearful arguments where I defended my budding ideal against their logic. But their resolve remained unshaken.

Upon entering high school, I attended a prestigious local school, where I encountered the talented Liang. She was patient, caring, and aimed to teach us more than just textbook knowledge, delving into concepts like integrity and how to approach grades. Beneath her unassuming appearance and soft-spoken manner lay a profound educational ideal.

Unfortunately, this pleasant time was short-lived. In the following winter, Liang announced that she would no longer be teaching next semester. Later, I learned that she had a difficult time at the school, with individuals deliberately targeting her, leading to her decision to leave.

I remember Liang writing personalized end-of-term comments for us in classical Chinese. However, what I received was vague and confusing. I didn't know the details of her departure, nor did anyone explain them to me.

I felt Liang's deep care for students, yet I couldn't understand why being flexible in teaching methods or lenient with grades was deemed a grave sin. She didn't fit the mold of those who dismissed textbooks and rambled on with supposed enlightenment. Every student she taught spoke highly of her; in my eyes, that was her greatest teaching success.

After Liang left, my emotions plummeted. I began to see myself as powerless, unable to change certain aspects of the world. I realized that teachers shouldn't be like this. The profession I once held in high regard had been tarnished, leading me to question the industry and avoid looking at the teacher's podium.

Liang had fulfilled nearly all my fantasies about educators, yet she didn't find a satisfying ending. She told me that she entered education out of passion, but did her belief betray her?

I had no answers, feeling like I had returned to the time before meeting Teacher Yi, entangled and lost on countless nights, unsure of my direction.

"We do agree that you can become a teacher in the future."

"But I feel that media studies might be more suitable for me."

That day, my parents told me, for the first time ever, that my determination had moved them. However, in that moment, I lacked the courage to express the dreams that had once given me hope and purpose. Talking about pursuing a career in media made me miserable. In the end, I gave up on the dreams that used to occupy my thoughts day and night.

Today, I still resent my own weakness.

Story from Megan